By Cam Downey 

It’s 6:17 AM on the Sunday after the fabled QUTLS 2021 Law Ball. Reporters from The Journal, and a team of scientists from the CSIRO, have been observing ball-attendee-turned-test-subject Mr Kelvin Ascenty for just over 17 minutes now.

It’s at this time that lead researcher Dr Kiara Unlimited-Shiraz remarks, “Christ, is that vomit, red wine or blood?” Neither we, or the CSIRO team, are able to give her a definitive answer. One of Dr Unlimited-Shiraz’s assistants simply nods unsurely.

The group continue to watch the test subject toss, turn, and perform what appeared to be a mix of mumbling, and begging for Powerade in his sleep, for the next 8 minutes.

At 6:25 AM, not because of an alarm, but because of existential dread and the looming question of “What the fuck did I do last night?” Mr Ascenty sadly finds himself awake.

Stumbling to the bathroom to chisel off last night’s wine-fuelled rampage, while lambasting himself for losing the plot, it’s at this time the CSIRO and Journal team move in to analyse the mysterious substance staining both Mr Ascenty’s brand-new Politix jacket, and the bed at the AirBnB he was staying at.

The group’s scientists conducted several tests on the during the subject’s 23-minute shower. All inconclusive. However, The Journal can exclusively reveal the substance could be none other than the last shreds of Mr Acenty’s dignity, left on his Jacket and sheets.

Resigning himself to sleeping on a vomit-free floor for a further three and a half hours, Mr Ascenty then awoke to have another shower.

Apparently, post-drinking anxiety is pretty hard to wash off.

Although, unlike the previous shower, this one, and the music accompanying it, ends abruptly. All The Journal and CSIRO team hear is a muffled whimper. According to CSIRO translator Michael, “It appears Mr Ascenty exclaimed ‘A Dire Strait’s song? Are you fucking trying to tell me something Siri!?’”

Falling victim to his smartphone’s music shuffle function, Mr Ascenty left his BnB a day early.

Invoking investigative journalism skills, on par with Tracey Sternshaw, The Journal tailed Mr Ascenty home. We observed him make a pitstop for three bottles of blue Powerade, a bottle of water, and a Cherry Ripe.

We then camped out front of his lifeless house until Tuesday morning.

The Journal caught up with Mr Ascenty while he was out for his morning walk. Stupidly thinking he was speaking to us on the condition of anonymity, he remarked:

“Haha, yeah mate, Sunday and Monday were pretty bad. Inner-Monologue-Monday entirely centred around ‘You’re an idiot Kelvin’ to ‘Give up drinking mate’. Lucky, I had the LOL304 (Comedic Remedies) discussion board to keep me entertained. I think those folks are more anxious about having 20 hours to complete a 2-hour exam than I do about making a fool out of myself!”

“I’m getting better though. Hopefully, I can sweat out what’s left of this post-drinking anxiety this morning! Ha ha. How good’s law ball?”

We approached Dr Unlimited-Shiraz for a final comment. “I think next year we need to implement a controlled variable which limits how many self-poured gin and tonics Mr Ascenty is allowed to consume prior to the event.”

Hopefully no more hangovers to come…