By Christian Coulthard

Wistfully looking outside the law library window, Tom begins to wonder if the glory and accolades will truly be worth spending his entire summer holidays inside the parameter of C block. He has a cheeky scroll of instagram and sighs as he scrolls past friends at the beach or drinking margaritas or both at the same time.

Young Tom provided us this insight, sipping on his 3rd Monster zero ultra of the day with a hangdog look: “When I signed up, they talked it up so much.”

“Seemed like I’d just have a cheeky research part and bada bing bada boom, my resumé becomes a clerkship magnet.” he imparted. “Boy was I fucking wrong. Turns out I’m writing half the memo and I have a speaking part. And it’s personal now, I can’t let go of it.”

“I’ve spent most of my morning arguing with 4 type-A personalities about some obscure bullshit point of law that I couldn’t have given a fuck about last week. Meanwhile the boys are sending me videos chugging cold ones from a beer bong on Straddie main beach. I mean, where would you rather be?”

He pauses, only to take a rather large suck from a vape pen. “The librarians all hate us.” he says, while exhaling mango ice smoke. “We were here for 15 hours when the first written memo was due and they said we stank and called us nerds. I don’t even know why we’re here so much. Most of the time everyone’s just looking at memes and complaining about how much they have to do.”

“Pretty sure the misso is going to leave me too.” he notes, sadly. “I called her Gary Born while we were having sex a while back and now she hasn’t touched me in three weeks. Not that I ever see her anyway.”

He sighs as he receives a passive aggressive text from his moot group chat asking him to come back to the library training room. “Well I’d better be off boys. They better have written something for issue 3 by the time I get in there.”

This reporter notes that from the sounds of the yelling coming from the training room shortly afterwards, probably nothing had been written for issue 3.