By Harry Jans

Some way through semester two of 2021, this reporter found dejected 20-year-old Hugh J. Lydisap-Pointing hurriedly seeking refuge in the corner of Gilhooley’s Irish Bar after experiencing, in his words, “The most embarrassing thing since Steve Smith’s sanded balls”.

The once bright-eyed and hopeful whipper snapper had attempted to imbue his Zoom tutorial experience with some much-needed humour upon hitting a wall whilst trying to focus during a particularly dry Contract Law tutorial, by commentating alongside his tutor.

Thinking he was on mute, Hugh made a dicey comment of a promiscuous nature in relation to the joinder doctrine, following it up with, “Aha deez nuts”, to which the immediate tepid silence of his Zoom tutorial washed over him in a dreaded realisation.

Post-tutorial, classmates were quoted to have said, “It didn’t even make sense”, and “This $2,000 course was worth every penny, solely because of seeing the colour of his face shift from a flour tortilla to dried tomato paste. I thought he had an aneurysm.”.

Hugh felt he had no choice but to withdraw from QUT Law altogether, which he did on the walk from QUT to the CBD’s stickiest-floored Irish themed pub and was sipping on a Guinness with the logo imprinted on the foam, staring into the middle distance. His plans have shifted to joining the circus as one of those people who jump into kiddy-pools from a great height, in the hopes that his total lack of athletic capacity would contribute to an accident of some sort where he can’t recall his university days.

This week, Hugh’s quest as a circus diver has come to an end, as no circus along the East Coast was willing to take on such an immature and crude young man.

However, not all hope has been lost for Hugh, as he has recently posted on Facebook that he has in fact signed up to his local faction of the Liberal National Party, declaring, “They all accept me for who I am, deez nuts and all. My name means something, and you’ll all be sorry when you find out what!”.