By Jaike Salmon

The university semester is a fickle beast that towards its end gets fickler (fickler, is that a word? Idk). The stress of exams is an easy way to make your family and friends more worried about you than they already were, and for one poor 3^rd year, this concern has recently come to a head.

Franco ‘Frank’ Francini, said 3^rd year, has recently been struggling with the vast content of LLB301, in addition to a vague caffeine addiction. As the semester has progressed his peers have become more and more concerned about him. He’s gone out every weekend up until week 11 and had barely been to any of his tutes that feature many of his friends.

(F*ck, more fickle! Who the f*ck says fickler??)

One of these friends, Johnny McSmyth, detailed this decline as follows: “He’s a legend! Always organising nights out and living for the moment. But our group of mates, who’re all doing contracts with him, are a little concerned because he still refers to ‘estoppel’ as what his Nonna would say if he refused a second helping of dinner.” Several other friends had noted their worry over Frank’s situation, but none of them had imagined what would come next.

It was 3 days prior to the contracts exam when Frank, who was coming into uni for the first time since last year, did the unthinkable. Something that only a man without care for anything but finishing his assessments, and crying when they were complete, would do.

People gawked, babies wailed, and grass was crunched as Frank walked upon the hallowed, but poorly positioned, kidney lawn that students customarily walked around.

We were a little worried about Frank ourselves and reached out after he’d finished his exams to address the incident.  However, when he picked up our call we were shocked to hear the ambient yowls of patrons at the Bot Bar and an assurance from Frank that he was “…goin’ bloody great, mate! Nothin’ a pint or 4 can’t fix! Hahaha!”

Frank also briefly noted that the exam was “… a sinch!” and that he was “…keen to do it all over again next sem!” We’re hoping Frank learns his lesson this sem, and buckles down and learns some academic ones in sem 2, but his mates told us not to hold our breath.