By Christian Coulthard

After a gruelling 4 month process involving perfectly polishing a resume, personalising cover letters, psychometric testing, nerve-wracking interviews, catching up for coffees with junior lawyer buddies, schmoozing at networking events, and dry-cleaning suits, and generally neglecting everything else in life, offer day has come and gone with a slew of polite rejections, apology emails and radio silences.

Later steeling himself while adjusting his google calendar, Kris ponders to himself what he will actually do over summer while his uni friends suit up for four sweaty weeks of paidcation at ‘Big 6+2’ Lawyers and the like.

“All my friends are going to be experiencing the amazing, crushing, soulless world of corporate law for four weeks and I’ll be doing what? Resting and relaxing? Taking some space and time away from my studies and enjoying my summer with my loved ones? Going out into the sun? God, the thought of it makes me SICK.”

When our reporter suggested doing a summer semester, putting down the vape, or perhaps volunteering with a CLC, Kris looked back at him with incredulation.

“Look mate. I didn’t get into Law to actually HELP people. I got into law to help major pharmaceutical companies merge with other major pharmaceutical companies. The world’s fucked anyway- in this economy, my only loyalty is to the BAG.”

“Shit though, this summer will be good for me. I feel like I haven’t stopped moving for three years. Maybe I’ll finally be able to get away to the beach for a week or two. You wanna come mate?”

Our reporter had to politely decline, as he had secured a clerkship with Shitterson & Leeches, only further setting off another pathetic round of sobbing and vaping.