by Christian Coulthard

After the first initial experience of the blinding convenience store lighting and exotic American confectionary luring you in like you are some sort of diabetic moth, one tends to avoid wanting to visit the dystopic electric confines of an Ezymart. Why you might ask? Well, reasons for this include:

• disgusting prices (which you can never find anywhere due to some kind of blatant disregard for the ACL)
• shit service (which you can never find anywhere due to employees seemingly disappearing into some kind of dimensional void after you walk in); and
• deafening punjabi hiphop (which admittedly usually slaps, but for christ’s sake can you turn it down a notch? I’m old and disoriented).

However, it remains to be said that for students and vape addicts who need to come into Gardens Point on the weekend because we are in a rental and cost-of-living crisis, Ezymart is a shining beacon of overpriced 2-minute noodles and IGET ‘Mango Ice’ Bars. Sure, maybe you could walk into the city and pinch something from the Colesworth self-service checkout but that likely requires more effort than this generation is capable of.

Our reporters asked the thoughts of one student walking out of the neon purgatory with an armful of Pringles, beef jerky and Dr Pepper.

“I fucking hate Ezymart’ he munched, angrily. “This cost me $90. There’s no way this isn’t a money laundering operation.”

He then turned and yelled “See ya tomorrow Sanjay” to the punter who’d just emerged from the back-room black hole.

We then tried to chat to Sanjay for his thoughts but unfortunately they were once again well-past the event horizon of the fifth-dimensional Ezymart back-room tesseract, making them completely uncontactable. Ah well.

More to come after our vape break.