Charles Platt – Editor at Large

The halls of Federal Parliament have been rocked with scandal this week, after ASIO revealed that former MP [REDACTED] had sold out state secrets to an unnamed foreign power.

Details are scarce, and speculation about who it was has swirled and churned, with supporters of each major party assuming that it must have been someone from the other side.

This masthead however can reveal one shocking secret that may bring us one step closer to uncovering the truth.

I saw [REDACTED], the former [REDACTED] party MP for the electorate of [REDACTED], vent in electrical.

While this is not to be constructed as an accusation about the member of parliament in question, it is worth noting that they have in the past been filmed:

• Not completing their tasks
• Staying strangely quiet in the discord chat
• Saying way too much in the discord chat
• Been spotted at high-end Sydney restaurants with businessmen who are known to have links to the [REDACTED] government
• Acting pretty sus

On a completely unrelated note, did you know that former Liberal minister for trade Andrew Robb oversaw a 99-year lease of the port of Darwin to a Chinese company with links to the Communist Party of China, and then immediately after quitting politics joined that very same company as a “high level economic consultant” with renumeration of $73000 per month? Oh, and how he quit that job mere weeks before laws tightening restraints on foreign interference took effect? Funny how these things work.

Amogus