Charles Platt – Editor At Large

An Everton Park man has engaged in the strangest form of religious guilt today, as he realized that today is Good Friday.

Despite his 13 years of Catholic schooling, 24 year old Jason Moores hardly considers himself a religious man, and so the first evening of his literally God-given four-day weekend was rightfully spent inhaling dark spirits at the Eatons Hill Hotel with his most degenerate old mates from high school.

Awaking with a pounding headache and a raspy throat, this piece of pond scum somehow decided that the best cure for his ailment was the unforgivably mortal sin that is a solo dance.

After the dry, uncoordinated, and frankly upsetting experience, Jason’s mind opened up, and only then did he realise that today was the only day on the calendar that cafeteria Catholics like him even pretend to observe their faith’s strict rules on fasting and traditional morality in the weeks before Easter.

To make matters worse, he has to be at his mother’s house in 2 hours. If she detected even the slightest hint of the works burger that Jason could very much go for right now, she’d refuse to talk to him for the entire weekend.

He opened DoorDash, and ordered a Fillet-O-Fish for $19.50 (plus tip).