By Barry Hass

As mark reviews come to an end, grades have been finalised and the lucky few students who’ve done their time earn their freedom with an overcrowded graduation ceremony and a 30-thousand-dollar piece of paper.

Unfortunately for Ronald Rump, the nightmare is still ongoing. Having spent all semester “studying” at the bot bar, the only thing standing between Ronald and the sweet, sweet bliss of life without assessment and tutorials is the 2 he earned for his final subject. The only problem being, the number of marks he needs to turn that 2 into a coveted pass.

“Can you find 11,780 more marks, there’s at least 12,000 missing. They got stolen by the crooked markers!” Ronald can be heard saying in the law library on Thursday afternoon. “You really haven’t demonstrated any understanding of the content at all, in fact, I think the marker here was generous in the first place” an exasperated unit coordinator fires back over zoom. “No, this is all wrong there are at least 14,000 marks missing, stop the count!” Ronald retorted back.

After slamming his laptop shut, he was left with no other choice than to round up all the other students who’ve missed out on 4’s, 5’s, 6’s and 7’s, by marginal numbers of marks and storm the chancellery building. Before marks are certified for the final time this semester.

One of our reporters got to speak briefly with Ronald before the agitators breached the buildings perimeter.

“My family’s remortgaged their house to purchase two extra tickets on the black market so they can all attend my graduation. I’m either graduating this semester or dying trying”.

On being asked whether he actually deserved the extra 12,000 marks for his final exam Ronald had this to say.

“Look, I may have only watched three lectures and none of the tutes, but the mental anguish I endured this semester should be enough to get at least a 4 if not a 5. Any who, I’ve gotta go help the others break that door down”.

Photos of the insurgents posed with the golden toilet in the marble bathrooms were circulated on social media later that day. This masthead has been reassured that any fugitives who partook in the marking insurrections will be brought to justice with their 4’s reduced to 3’s.

No more to come.