By Chris Doust

SOUTH BURNETT, QLD — A magnitude 5.6 earthquake shook the South Burnett region early Saturday morning, rattling windows, nerves, and — allegedly — the grave of one of Queensland’s most controversial figures.

Shortly after the tremor, locals reported sightings of a mysterious man limping through the streets, “covered in dirt,” sporting a “jaunty hat,” and nursing “bruised knuckles.” One eyewitness claimed the figure was seen “punching his way out of the earth,” prompting speculation that the quake may have been less geological and more ideological.

The epicentre of the quake was suspiciously close to the final resting place of Sir Joh Bjelke-Petersen, Queensland’s longest-serving Premier and part-time bulldozer impersonator. Known for his hands-on governance, electoral gymnastics, and a hat that sat as crooked as his democracy, Joh was often described as an unstoppable force — especially when it came to ignoring public opinion.

Earlier this year, his son John Bjelke-Petersen suggested that if his father were around today, the Brisbane 2032 Olympics planning would be “running like a well-oiled peanut harvester.” Now, locals are wondering if those comments were less nostalgic and more prophetic.

The dirt-clad figure reportedly addressed a small crowd outside a local bakery. First, offering unsolicited advice on Olympic logistics. “You can’t run an Olympics with both ears in the dirt and your hat on sideways! You’ve got to get out there, call the Deen Brothers if you have to, and really shake things up to make sure the Games are ready on time!”.

And, “they’re about to do WHAT on the Story Bridge on Sunday!?” in response to the right of freedom of assembly and association now being upheld in Queensland.

Earlier today, the figure also appeared at the Queensland Sport and Athletics Centre (QSAC) in Nathan — roughly 210 kilometres, or about three days walk, away. Patting the 50-year-old stadium walls, he declared, “State-of-the-art facilities, built right. They just don’t make them like this anymore.”

The QSAC, formerly QEII Stadium — built during Sir Joh’s reign in 1975, had previously been floated as a potential alternative to the Gabba redevelopment. Though sidelined in Olympic planning since last year, the figure’s endorsement has now sparked renewed interest. Especially among those nostalgic for infrastructure built with concrete, conviction, and questionable contracts.

As speculation swirls, authorities are calling for calm. One anonymous source from the Brisbane Olympic Committee said, “We’re not saying it’s Joh, but we’re also not saying it’s not. We’ve got our best mediums reaching out to Tony Fitzgerald, just in case.”

Officials remain on high alert. More to come.