By Madison Shepherd

Brisbane — The Bureau of Meteorology has issued a severe flash flood warning across QUT’s Gardens Point campus after an overwhelming surge of tears from first-year law students reached “structurally unsafe” levels early Wednesday morning.

This rainfall-like event, officially classified as “emotionally-induced precipitation,” began shortly after first-years opened the assignment question for Torts. Meteorologists confirmed that the sudden spike in despair caused a low-pressure academic system to stall over C Block.

Authorities report that the initial leak began at approximately 8:42 AM, following the release of the assignment question containing a four-part hypothetical involving snail contamination, psychiatric harm, and a rogue neighbour who may or may not be vicariously liable.

Within 12 minutes, the Law Library had flooded up to the waist in student tears. Discarded KeepCups, and printouts of McNamara v Duncan smudged beyond legal recognition. By 9:00 AM, Level 5 was declared a maritime zone and annexed by a rogue study group claiming sovereign immunity.

“It was honestly biblical,” said one survivor, 18-year-old Jess. “Someone tried to paddle through the flooding on a stack of textbooks. I haven’t seen them since.”

Authorities later confirmed that attempts to reach safety using sheer desperation were also unsuccessful. Another group attempted to fashion a lifeboat from empty Red Bull cans, but it capsized near the moot court.

Sources confirm that student efforts to apply the tort of negligence to the unfolding situation only worsened it, with panicked undergrads screaming “DUTY OF CARE?? WHO OWES ME A DUTY OF CARE??” into the rising tide.

QUT has since issued a statement reassuring students that “academic resilience will be assessed separately,” and that emotional damage caused by the torts curriculum may qualify for special consideration, “pending proof of tears exceeding 80mm in a 24-hour period.”

QUT Facilities Management acknowledged the scale of the hysteria-induced climate event, reminding the public that “Gardens Point is located next to a literal river, so honestly, we expected worse.” Their official action plan involves “monitoring the situation,” later clarified to mean “watching from upstairs with noise-cancelling headphones with a bowl of popcorn.”

Meanwhile, second- and third-year law students were spotted observing from elevated ground, sipping long blacks and murmuring cryptic warnings such as “Wait until you meet equity” and “Wait for ethics… just you wait.” They were accompanied by a single fourth-year student standing perfectly still, staring silently into the void.

Emergency response teams have been deployed with crisis packs containing tissues, Red Bull, cigarettes, and laminated reminders that referencing Donoghue v Stevenson is not a personality trait. However, local mental health services are reportedly overwhelmed and have suspended new appointments for first-year law students.

“We’ve had to implement a temporary ban for staff safety,” said one clinic representative. “Under our workplace health and safety obligations, we cannot knowingly expose our employees to that level of academic-induced trauma. They’re still recovering from class registration in 2022.”

As of press time, the Law Library remains at capacity, with students either sobbing silently in the carrels or frantically Googling “can I sue my lecturer for psychological damage – Australia.” Survivors have begun forming makeshift support circles, chanting “res ipsa loquitur” while issuing legally dubious threats against their own tutorial notes.

Emergency rescue efforts are now underway using boats made from library book returns and Centrelink rejection letters. Students reaching the ferry terminal are being provided with hot tea, dry clothes, and a four-page liability waiver — which no one read before signing.

Students are urged to remain calm, stay hydrated (preferably not with their own tears), and under no circumstances use the phrase “standard of care” in casual conversation.