By Alexander Curtis

WHERE ARE THE CAMERAS: Last Friday, Canvas shit itself.

Thousands of students were left in limbo without any way to access content during the School of Law’s worst wave of assessments we’ve seen since this time last semester.

When asked if this might actually be bad enough to warrant special consideration, a HiQ spokesperson told our correspondent to go fuck themselves, adding that students would instead need to obtain a stat-dec from one of the hackers and a 20-page report outlining all the work that they intended to complete during the half-day blackout.

For many people, the outage forced a hiatus from the degree and an opportunity to touch grass.

But for 19-year-old Ima Fale, it meant tragically postponing her long awaited academic comeback.

The contracts student reportedly spent the better part of the week informing mates, tutors, and her family group chat that she was preparing to “lock in” for her “winter arc”.

“I made a strategic move to ignore content for the past few weeks so I could devote my time to the assignments.” she said. “Even a 5% redrafting task can be the difference between a 6 and a 7 in the long run.”

“ Every assignment she’s submitted this semester has been during the 48 hour extension and that’s usually after our groupchat sends through the answers.” one insider corrected.

Eye-witnesses reported that after opening her laptop, ducking to the bathrooms, emptying her wallet at the Food Court, and booking a booth in the Lawbry, Fale was mere moments away from opening the week 3 module when disaster struck.

“The matrix keeps trying to hold me down,” she said whilst packing up to head to the Bot Bar. “But best believe the winter arc resumes the second Canvas comes back online.”

Despite being informed that Canvas went back up at roughly 3:30pm that same day, she insists the comeback must be postponed until next week minimum, “as the hackers intended.”

Likely not much more to come.